Not my caddie

He’s Not My Caddie
Rich Texans are fabled for their grand style, but when one oil tycoon appeared at a local British golf course followed by a servant pulling a foam-cushioned chaise lounge, his opponents thought that this was taking style too far. “J.R., are you going to make that poor caddie lug that couch all over the course after you?” they asked him. “Caddie, my eye,” explained J.R. “That’s my psychiatrist.”

Not my ball

That’s Not My Ball
“That can’t be my ball, caddie. It looks far too old,” said the player looking at a ball deep in the trees. “It’s a long time since we started, sir.”

Fairways

“I’d like to see the fairways more narrow. Then everybody would have to play  from the rough, not just me.”

—Seve Ballesteros

Victory

“Victory is everything. You  can spend the money, but you can  never spend the memories.”

—Ken Venturi
 

Funeral Procession

Funeral Procession

Mike, an avid golfer, was teeing up for a very difficult shot. At that moment, a funeral procession went by. Mike stopped, stood still with his hat over his heart, and bowed his head. His golfing partner looked at him and said, “Mike, that was kind and decent of you to show such respect for the dead.” Mike replied, “Yes, we would have been married twenty-six years come tomorrow.”

Improvement

“If you call on God to improve the results of a shot while it is still in motion, you are using ‘an outside agency’ and are subject to appropriate penalties under the rules of golf.”

—Henry Longhurst

Three ways of learning golf

“There are three ways of learning golf: by study, which is the most wearisome; by imitation, which is the most fallacious; and by experience, which is the most bitter.” —Robert Browning

Golfer and Caddie

Golfer and Caddie Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
Caddie: “Very good, sir, but personally, I prefer golf.”

Golf is good for the soul

“Golf is good for the soul. You get so  mad at yourself that you forget  you hate your enemies.”

—Will Rogers

 

Bullish on Trousers

Why did the golfer take an extra pair of pants when he went out on the golf course? Just in case he got a hole in one.

Eyeball

“We speak of eyeball-to-eyeball encounters between men great and small. Even more reaching and revealing of character is the eyeball-to-golf-ball confrontation, whereby our most secret natures are mercilessly tested by a small, round, whitish object with no mind or will but with a very def inite life of its own, and with whims perverse and beatif ic.” 

    —John Stewart Martin

Golf and Government

“The difference between golf and government is that in golf you  can’t improve your lie.”

—George Deukmejian

Everybody has two swings

“Everybody has two swings—a beautiful practice swing and the choked-up one with which they hit the ball. So it wouldn’t do either of us a damned bit of good to  look at your practice swing.”

—Ed Furgol

Tough Round

A man comes home after a terrible round of golf, his worst ever. He plops down on the couch in front of the television and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.

” The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.” She looks cross but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.” The wife is furious.

She yells at him, “You’ve been out golfing all day! Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore…”

The man sighs and says, “It’s started…”
 

Marriage

A man is getting married and is standing by his bride at the church.

Standing beside him are his golf clubs and bag.

His bride whispers, “What are your golf clubs doing here?”

The groom replies, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”

Give Up Golf

“I’d give up golf if I didn’t have  so many sweaters.” 

—Bob Hope

What to Do

Earl addressed the ball and took a magnificent swing, but somehow, something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted. The ball went onto the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force.

He dropped! Earl and his partner ran up to the stricken victim, who lay unconscious with the ball between his feet.  “Good heavens,” exclaimed Earl, “what shall I do?” “Don’t move him,” said his partner.

“If we leave him here, he becomes an immovable obstruction, and you can either play the ball as it lies or take a two-club length drop.”
 

Why are you so late?

Late Arrival One golfer asked his friend, “Why are you arriving so late for your tee time?” His friend replied, “It’s Sunday.

I had to toss a coin between going to church and playing golf.” “Yes,” continued the friend, “but that still doesn’t tell me why you are so late.”

“Well,” said the fellow, “it took over twenty-five tosses to get it right!”
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Play It as It Lies

“‘Play it as it lies’ is one of the fundamental dictates of golf. The other is, ‘Wear it if it clashes.’”

—Henry Beard

Golf Course or…

Four married guys go golfing. While playing the 4th hole, the following conversation takes place: 

1st Guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.”

2nd Guy: “That’s nothing. I had to promise my wife I would build a new deck for the pool.”

3rd Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I would remodel the kitchen for her.”

They continued to play the hole when they realized that the 4th guy hadn’t said anything. So they asked him, “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?” 

4th Guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. and when it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge, and said, ‘Golf course or intercourse?’ And she said, ‘Wear your sweater.’”